I am still trying to process the sequence of events that have occurred over the past 4 hours.

There is still just ONE follicle in the left ovary … only. When Dr. F was doing the ultrasound and found the one follicle only, I told myself I needed to remain calm so I could clearly think and ask questions.

I was thinking, This is not the results we were expecting but we can try again and hope for a better response next time.

And then Dr. F began to explain something called a hypothalamic component and the world began to unravel all around me.

When someone (like me) is underweight the part of the brain responsible for FSH and LH production shuts down. FSH and LH are the hormones that are responsible for stimulating follicles to grow and mature. This is something that has been around since the prehistoric ages to prevent a “starving” species from being able to procreate.

Dr. F said that with my particular circumstances the normal range of number of eggs retrieved during an IVF cycle is anywhere from 0 to 6. I definitely fall into that range with only one follicle maturing.

I immediately told Dr. F that I wanted to cancel this IVF cycle. There is no way I am paying these big bucks for one egg. Dr. F told me they have gone through with an IVF cycle before with low egg numbers and have still been able to achieve a pregnancy.

Let me just say that I was prepared to go in there and have only 1 or 2 or 3 eggs. My gut feeling was that my ovaries were not producing what they should for an IVF cycle and we would just adjust my protocol and try again later.

However, I was not prepared to hear that because of this hypothalamic component, the best we can hope for at this point is 2 eggs, possibly 3 even with all the IVF ovarian stimulation meds.

The tears won’t stop because for the first time it is looking like I just may have to give up on this dream I’ve had since childhood to conceive, be pregnant and give birth to a baby who is half me and half my husband, yet uniquely an individual person.

I can’t explain how I feel other than to say that it feels like a death has occurred in the family.

I know it’s not all over yet. However, things are growing more and more grim by the day that I will ever actually have life growing inside of me.

The plan for now is to convert this IVF cycle into an IUI cycle. I would like to discuss my options with Dr. L on Monday as he was not on call today. I am grateful for Dr. F’s input and am anxious to know what Dr. L’s opinion is. It never hurts to hear the opinions of two excellent doctors.

This is one of those very dark days. However, I can still see a glimmer of hope found in God’s Promise in Jeremiah 29:11.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I still firmly believe that with all my heart and know one day I will look back on this day and see once again the faithfulness of God iron out all the wrinkles of a very ugly day.

I think it can go without saying that I need prayers, but I’ll say it anyway. I need your prayers.

Please pray for wisdom to know if we should shoot for another IVF cycle in June and hope for at least a few more eggs or if we should throw in the towel and seek other options that are equally overwhelming to think about.

- Elaine