I’m a mess.

I’m worn slap out.

I feel like this is never going to happen.

And my mind has been consumed with what happens after March 27th.

How in the world can I spend all the money required for IVF and how in the world can I not spend the money to try again?

How is it that not only can I not conceive naturally but we try IVF and that is a bust as well?

Why did God put this strong desire in my heart to have a baby?

I’m tired of crying.

I’m tired of researching.

I’m tired of the pain.

I’m tired of failure after failure after failure.

I’ve never felt so hopeless in my entire life.

Can I be completely honest with you right now and say in my mind I feel forgotten even though I know in my heart God has not forgotten me.

I know God is still there through all this. He is just being very quiet and it is very hard when you just want some answers, some direction in where to go.

I want to believe God will work a miracle through The Lone Ranger but I know I must prepare my heart, body, soul and mind for another negative and the fact that we will again be faced with the infamous question of, “What’s next?”

As more time goes by I keep knocking the “options” out one-by-one.

Who would have ever thought this journey would lead us here?

I know the answer to that question … God … but for now I don’t feel I can walk another step.

But I also don’t feel I can give up quite yet either.

- Elaine