One thing that drove me to the state of insanity over this past weekend was wrestling with this question:

When do I stop praying and stop hoping that God will allow me to conceive?

If I pull the answer to that question from my mind the answer is quite simple: Never.

There has never been a doubt in my mind that one day, even after possibly years of a battle with infertility, that I would eventually become pregnant and give birth to a baby. Remember, from the start of trying to conceive, I felt that maybe something wasn’t going to go quite right and achieving pregnancy would eventually come, just maybe not as quickly as I would have liked. But it didn’t ever really occur to me that maybe biological children have never been a part of God’s plan.

If I pull the answer to that question from my heart, things get a little more complicated.

Just before having this melt down God lead me to the story of Hannah in I Samuel.

Hannah was barren and had a very deep desire to have a baby. Verse 10 of the first chapter of 1 Samuel says, “In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord.” Oh how I can so easily relate to her state of mind. I was there just three nights ago. In bitterness of my soul I wept continuously and couldn’t even form the words to pray.

There is a theme weaved throughout this entire story. Hannah went through year after year of being childless. And year after year after year what did she do?

She would go to the house of the Lord and pray. On one such occasion, the priest, Eli observed her as she prayed. Hannah’s mouth was moving but her voice could not be heard.

Picture this in your mind. Hannah is praying so earnestly to her Lord.

Eli mistakes Hannah for being drunk! I find that funny. Hannah explains, “Not so. I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”

I love these words: I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.

I’m right there with you, Hannah.

Verse 20 says, “So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel saying, ‘Because I asked the Lord for him.’”

At this point of the journey, the odds of conceiving and giving birth are just not in my favor. I, like Hannah, feel I can still come to God in bitterness of soul and pray, pouring out my heart to God.

So I think the answer to the question above is: I stop praying when God moves me towards another direction. Until then, I continue to pray persistently that God will in the course of time allow me to conceive.

I know it is up to God and His plan for my life. God very well may never choose to give me a child.

That is what has become so hard on this journey!

From the beginning I have prayed earnestly to conceive …

Month one of trying to conceive back in August of 2007, Dave and I included this in our prayers every single night, “God, please bless us with a baby.” … We did not conceive during those 6 months. (We still pray this every night.)

IUI number one … prayed that God would allow me to conceive … I didn’t.

IUI number two … prayed that God would allow me to conceive … I didn’t.

IUI number three … prayed that God would allow me to conceive … I didn’t.

Natural cycle after surgery … prayed for a Christmas Miracle … I didn’t conceive.

Clomid Challenge Test … prayed I would conceive … I didn’t.

And here we are at our IVF cycle turned IUI number four … We are praying, once again, that I conceive …

It’s so complicated because the hardest and easiest thing to accept is really the same thing …

The hardest thing to accept is that God’s will WILL prevail, and never conceiving just may be a part of that Will.

And then the easiest thing to accept is that it just may be God’s will for us not to ever conceive.

It is hard to accept God’s Will because it may not be what I want, but at the same time, God’s Will is so easy to accept because I know God’s plan is ultimate good and perfection.

What more could I ask for?

- Elaine