All along I’ve been under the (false) assumption that once Dave and I had a baby, whether biologically or through adoption, everything in life would just (finally) be hunky dory.

Not so.

Life with a newborn is anything but hunky dory.

It is exhausting, frustrating, nerve-racking.

Walking this journey through infertility and then adoption and now, parenthood, has presented so many ups and downs it’s not a surprise that I feel disoriented and like the world is upside down.

First there was the up that I was finally married and could start trying to have a baby. That up very quickly turned into a down when nothing was happening month after month - except a river of tears with each pregnancy test.

Then there was the up of meeting Dr. L. Finally, we had someone who was going to give us some answers as to what was wrong because we just knew something had to be wrong. We decided to try three IUIs and were thinking that finally within 3 to 6 months we would finally be pregnant. Talk about an up that ever so quickly once again lead us to another down.

Not one of those IUIs worked. Back to square one. Back down.

Then we found ourselves in the operating room because Dr. L was just certain there was some underlying issue concerning our infertility that could only be detected through surgery.

Sure enough, Stage 2 Endometriosis was found and excised and there was renewed hope that pregnancy would now happen because all the endo was gone. Another up, but not for long.

At the turn of 2009 we had a big decision to make. Try more IUIs or go for the big guns with IVF? After much prayer, we felt God was leading us to IVF.

And then came the down of all downs. We learned that most likely my ovaries just were not going to cooperate (even with the strong IVF drugs) and a pregnancy through IVF wasn’t even likely.

And then … the up of all ups … the miracle of Little Bug. We turned in paperwork to the adoption agency and learned of Little Bug that very same day.

6 weeks and 6 days later we became parents … sort of. Little Bug was born and we fell instantly in love with her at the hospital. All seemed right with the world. We were going to bring this beautiful little girl home to be our daughter. Infertility, though still a part of both of us, was finally now in the past. A dark, dark road that we had traveled that served to bring us closer to our God and to each other. We were up on the mountaintop with God praising His name for what He had done.

And then came those agonizing 81 hours in which we lived in limbo not knowing if we would be able to bring Little Bug home as our daughter or not. (I know a couple weeks ago I said I was going to share more what happened in those 81 hours. However, out of respect for our birth mother, I do not feel it is appropriate to disclose those details on the internet.)

So there was that down and then another up when we received the call from the lawyer saying the birth mom had signed the consent and Little Bug was ours!

Bringing Little Bug home I expected the feelings of complete and utter joy that Little Bug is here and she is ours. I expected to stare at her face in awe of her and how perfect she is. I expected to love her instantly. All of this I have expected and experienced.

I did not, however, expect to feel completely helpless at times. I did not expect the feelings of complete exhaustion. I thought going through infertility would make me be more than happy to wake up and stay up all night with Little Bug! However, the exhaustion had other plans which do not include waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed to care for a newborn that you have no idea why they are crying and won’t sleep! I did not expect to feel completely overwhelmed and to sit and contemplate if what I am doing with her is the right thing or the wrong thing. I did not expect to be bombarded with all different types of parenting methods and not know which is best for us.

I might as well have never laid hands on a baby in all my life before Little Bug because I feel all the experience I’ve had with babies before having my own matters not one bit right now! It is a completely different ball game when you are staring into the precious face of your own newborn!

Everyone tells me all this is normal and I am glad to hear it because I would start to wonder if something wasn’t wrong with me if people weren’t telling me all this is normal.

Right now Little Bug is asleep beside me on the couch as I type. I look at her sweet little face and I know all this is temporary and once again, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have reached motherhood and I am learning how this new role fits in my life.

Life is made up of challenges – ups and then downs. Little Bug won’t be in this stage forever and I am grateful that even in the down moments with her I have the presence of mind to stop and smell the roses and imprint her little newborn self in my memory forever because I know she won’t be a newborn forever. And really, if you peal away all this other stuff, I know I am living the most precious days of my life.

As challenging as these weeks have been, there is still something so precious about a newborn – especially when you have waited almost 2 years to look her in the eyes and know she is yours.

But, Little Bug, can we please sleep more than just 2 or 3 hours tonight?? :)

- Elaine