I was recently asked a tough question by an anonymous reader of my blog:

How does your heart release that desire to have a biological child you have carried in your womb?

The desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth has been with me since I was a little girl. I played with baby dolls probably well past the appropriate time to pack the baby dolls away in the attic. I can remember constantly stuffing a ball or anything that would make me look “pregnant” up my shirt as I played.

I spent many nights dreaming of the day I would learn that new life was growing in my womb. I imagined what it would be like to give birth with my husband by my side.

I can remember daydreaming in my bedroom as a girl about my future babies. I wanted to give birth to four children two to three years apart. I wanted to have two girls and two boys.

When Dave and I married, having a baby was top on our priority list. When we first started trying to conceive, I could not wait to know that a human being that was half me and half the man I loved was growing in my body. Having always marveled at the miracle of pregnancy, I knew giving birth to a baby would be the most incredible experience of my life.

And then all my hopes and dreams of pregnancy and childbirth met infertility and I learned from a medical viewpoint my body was incapable of achieving pregnancy.

I have often wondered why God would put the desire for pregnancy into every fiber of my being just to not ever allow me to experience the miracle of pregnancy.

March 8, 2009, was the day I realized my dream of pregnancy wasn’t going to happen.

I can only describe that day as a death of a lifelong dream. There was a time of mourning.

I had to mourn never seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test.

I had to mourn not being able to tell family and friends we are pregnant.

I had to mourn never being able to feel life growing in my womb.

I had to mourn my husband never putting his hand on my belly to feel his baby kick.

I had to mourn I’d never parent a child that was half me and half Dave.

And then, I had to move forward.

With a strength that can only come from the Lord, I had to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and determine to put my faith and hope in the Lord.

I had to believe that God had plans for my life that would prosper me and bring me hope and a future. I had to believe in the character of God – that He is good, that He is faithful, that He is loving and that somewhere in the muck of this dream’s death was something more that God had planned that was far bigger and far better than my heart’s desire.

I had to believe that if God’s plan for me was not to experience pregnancy, He had some other miracle awaiting me.

On May 27, 2009, my daughter was born. I never felt her kick inside my body and she is not half me and half Dave. I did not give birth to her.

And I wouldn’t change a thing. Not one single thing.

God’s Plan is perfect, leaving no room for error.

As for my desire for pregnancy?

I’d be lying if I said it was gone. But instead of a raging flaming fire it is just a very tiny flame that resides in the pit of my heart.

Acceptance has dulled the flame over time.

I could drive myself batty if I was still earnestly seeking pregnancy when God was saying no.

I don’t know if there will ever be a day where I won’t look at a pregnant belly and think about what I never got to experience.

But this I know. Until the day I die I will look at my Little Bug and know she is the miracle God had planned for me.

Little Bug was God’s Plan for my life even back in the days I would pretend I was “pregnant” with my baby dolls.

I am forever grateful that God (and Josh and Angele!) allowed me the privilege of being right there for the entire labor and delivery process of Lilianna. Standing on the sidelines witnessing Lilianna’s birth was the closure my heart was seeking.

Peace also comes knowing God is not limited by infertility. If He wills a pregnancy for me in the future nothing will stand in His way. But at the same time, if I die never having experienced pregnancy, all is well with my soul.

I have never experienced the miracle of pregnancy but I have experienced the miracle of Little Bug.

My heart is content and my cup overflows with the goodness and faithfulness of my Savior.

I am lacking nothing.

- Elaine