On the day we met Tracy, we were two months and one day away from the baby’s due date!

Those two months were like no other two months I had ever lived in my entire life!

I was in awe of the miracle unfolding right before my very eyes.

Just one month ago I had been in the thick of an IVF cycle!

And now?

Now, I was preparing for the birth of my daughter in just a few short weeks!

Those days were surreal.

I spent a lot of time thinking back on my journey through infertility. It certainly was a journey and not something that defined who I was.

Infertility brought me to the lowest time of my life thus far. But God raised me up and brought me through those dark, scary valleys.

I was now standing on the mountaintop with God and I wanted His name to receive ALL the glory for what HE WAS DOING.

I think this blog helped me do that quite well! :)

I also spent a lot of time going back and reading my blog. I came across something that I had written in September 2008, after learning my second IUI had failed, that sent chills down my spine:

So on this 15th cycle of desiring greatly to be pregnant but finding out once again I am not, it is time to put my faith to action and live believing what God has taught me.

If God could mail me a letter I think it would say:

Dear Elaine,

I know today's news greatly disappoints you. But please trust me. I am at work orchestrating a beautiful plan for you that is far greater than finding out today you are pregnant.

I love you,

Jesus

Seven months later, as I went back through my blog and found that, I realized I had written that during the very month Tracy conceived Little Bug! It was confirmation to me, and hopefully to everyone who reads this, that God is at work even when it seems nothing is going right!

During this time it was so nice to not have the stress of infertility treatments on me although going through the process of adoption has stresses of its own.

But after going through all I had gone through with treatments, I knew God had used those treatments to teach me about what it truly means to put my complete trust and faith in Him.

On April 20th, stressed out about adoption matters that I had absolutely no control over, I drew a picture in my journal of a pregnant woman. In her belly, I drew a tiny little baby girl. And then I drew the hand of God surrounding them, holding them.

And that is where I left them … in the Hands of God because I knew they were safe there.

Oh, but there were so many days when I just desperately wanted Little Bug to already be here, be mine and be in my arms!

I think I learned, even before I looked at my daughter’s sweet face for the first time, that she isn’t mine. She is a gift from God that He is entrusting me with.

At first I was scared about having so little time to prepare for her arrival, but as time went on, I saw that having to only wait two months was a tremendous blessing from the Lord!

Putting together a nursery for my baby and attending baby showers that were actually for me were some of the best days of my life. However, I did it somewhat guarded because I knew this baby wasn’t ours until Tracy signed her consent after the birth.

There was a fine line to walk and I think I walked it pretty well since I trusted God to finish the work He had started.

I enjoyed several heart to heart conversations with Tracy that helped compassion to grow in my heart for birth moms and their situations. I admired Tracy for choosing life for her baby despite others who wanted her to have an abortion.

Tracy invited me to several doctor’s appointments. At one appointment she told me she just doesn’t have motherly instincts. I pointed to her protruding belly and told her my body can’t get pregnant so we are a perfect match! She looked up at me, agreed and gave me her beautiful smile.

As stressful as it was to have contact with Tracy during those weeks, I am forever grateful I did.

Because now, when Little Bug asks me about her birth mother one day, I can tell her some wonderful things about the woman who gave her life.

to be continued…

- Elaine