Thinking about adding another child to our family one day automatically makes me wonder one thing:

Will all the pain of not being able to be pregnant come flooding back?

Do you want an honest answer?

I believe the answer is no.

It has almost been one year since March 8, 2009 – the day I learned pregnancy most likely was never going to happen for me.

Since that day, it has been a healing process that has brought me to the place I am today.

I had to go through a period of grief. I had to mourn what would never be. I had to go through several months of wondering if God would perform a miracle and allow me to conceive against all odds anyway (because I know He can) … and then be disappointed when He didn’t, month after month.

I had to realize that if I really picked apart my desire pregnancy really wasn’t the big picture of the desire I had carried in my heart since childhood.

As I grew to love Little Bug just as if she had been conceived in my womb and was flesh of my flesh, I realized the greater desire here was motherhood and God had most certainly fulfilled that desire of my heart when He gave me Little Bug.

In September of last year I witnessed the birth of Lilianna. Her birth was the most miraculous thing my eyes have seen. The night she was born and all was quiet in the hospital room, I sat on the edge of Angele’s hospital bed cradling sweet Lilianna in my arms. In those moments I knew God had orchestrated the events of the past few hours to help my heart in this healing process.

And now as I think of child number two I know that if I was still desiring pregnancy and my heart could just not let go, we could always pursue embryo adoption.

But, my heart is so not there.

And that is how I know.

God has healed my heart in His time.

And it is a very beautiful thing that He has done.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3

- Elaine