Although I consider my infertility days behind me, I am still an infertile and always will be. While I am not childless and am not going through infertility treatments at the moment (or ever again, for that matter!), infertility is always something that will go with me wherever I go in life.

And perhaps there will always be situations where I will ask God, “Why her and not me?” Like just yesterday when Dave, Little Bug and I were out for a walk in the neighborhood.

We live in a quiet neighborhood. The only noise comes from the house in the far corner. We call that the “Party House”. The garage of “Party House” has been made into a pool hall/TV room complete with a huge big screen TV, beer refrigerator, surround sound (You know, so the whole entire neighborhood can hear the game that is on. Thanks!?) and comfy couches.

The owner of this house lives there with his live-in girlfriend who we refer to as “The Harlot”. Harlot has this little dog whom she allows to roam the neighborhood and dig up people’s freshly planted flowers. (I know, because this dog came into our yard not half an hour after I had planted beautiful lilies in the front flower bed. I had gone inside and was sitting in the office which has a window that looks out into this flower bed and the front yard. And what did I see? Yes, that pesky little dog was in the flower bed digging up ALL the flowers I had just planted.)

A few months ago Harlot and her dog no longer seemed to be at the “Party House”. We figured they had broken up. But then, over the past couple of weeks or so, we noticed they were back.

Well, on our walk yesterday we think we figured out what just might have happened…

As we were walking down the street from our house towards the “Party House” we noticed this woman walking down the street. I noticed her rounding belly right away and turned to Dave and said, “Is that the Harlot?” He said, “I think so.” We smiled and waved as we walked by her and then after we passed her I turned to Dave again and asked, “Is she pregnant???”

She is most definitely about 4 or 5 months pregnant.

We walked a little further and then said, “Hmm. Guess that’s why she disappeared for a while. Guess they worked things out after the shock of a baby on the way.”

Why her?

Here is where I have to make the choice I talked about in one of my Q&A posts.

I can choose to continue asking why and focus on the unfairness of an unmarried couple not desiring to conceive be able to conceive by having sex, like normal people do.

Or I can look at the big picture here.

Sure it would be nice to be able to decide that I want to have a baby and try a couple months and then actually be pregnant minus all the heartache and disappointment that comes along with infertility.

It would be nice to know another huge chunk of money does not stand between us and our second child. It would be nice to know that around the time Little Bug turned two, we could start trying for #2 and he or she would arrive around Little Bug’s 3rd birthday.

That would all be nice. But it is just not the path God has called us too.

Instead, He has called us to live in surrender to our own desires for His. And He has required us to completely put our faith and trust in Him when we even consider thinking about adding to our family one day. I think God draws people to Himself by requiring this kind of surrender and trust in a certain area of life – for us, it is our fertility and the lack of it.

For when we are weak, it is then that we are strong in Him.

Would I choose to be fertile now?

No.

As much as I hate my infertility, I love it because through my weaknesses God has taken it all and created something beautiful.

He showed me what it really means to walk by faith daily. To really put your complete trust in Him because you literally had no other options. That is a very humbling, scary and exciting place to be - all at the same time.

It is something to know God is taking the ugly circumstances of your life and is making a beautiful masterpiece for the world to see.

God did that. He took my infertility and performed The Miracle of Little Bug while the world looked on (via this blog).

As time moves forward I know one day I’ll be back at square one. I’ll be longing for another child and wondering how in the world it will happen, given the circumstances.

But then I’ll put my faith in the Lord and trust Him once again for another miracle.

Infertility goes with me every step of the way from here on out, but so does the awesome power of my God.

- Elaine