I can’t help but replay the memories in my mind from a year ago as I now live the days of May 27th through May 30th in the year 2010.

I was changing Little Bug’s diaper tonight when my mind suddenly flashed back to the first time I ever changed her diaper.

It was on the night of her birth. I was in Tracy’s hospital room holding Little Bug when she needed a diaper change.

It was a dirty diaper and it was decided that I would change it.

I cannot tell you how many diapers I had changed before that night. Probably in the thousands. Literally.

But as I lay Little Bug on the bed, unswaddled her and began the diaper change I was a Nervous Nelly because Tracy was watching. I feared that if poop got smeared everywhere or some other catastrophe occurred during the diaper change she wouldn’t think I was a fit mom. Yes, I was probably thinking a little irrationally at the time, but I had been awake for about 36 hours, so I guess my thinking wasn’t too crazy.

I got through the diaper change and got Little Bug swaddled back up in her blanket (and no, it wasn’t the Miracle Blanket).

Tonight as I changed my wiggly one year old’s diaper those memories flooded me and I laughed to myself.

Just now as I was putting Little Bug to bed another memory came to my mind.

Little Bug was born at 7:11am and we spent the entire day with Tracy at the hospital. Tracy and I had made plans that I would stay with her in the hospital room. I was both excited about that possibility and nervous as well. I was so grateful that Tracy wanted me there to experience “the hospital” with her. I was also nervous because even though Tracy and I got along beautifully, I knew it would be stressful on me to spend lengthy amounts of time with her.

Dave left to go home when hospital visiting hours were over. Then it was just Tracy, Little Bug and me in the hospital room. As I mentioned, I had been up since 10am on the day before Little Bug’s birth. I know it was adrenaline I was running on. By the time Dave left I felt like a train had hit me. I wanted sleep. I needed sleep.

At the time I didn’t know this, but Tracy was second-guessing her invitation to me to spend the night there in the hospital with Little Bug and her. I don’t really share personal things about Tracy on the blog for obvious reasons, but I feel lead to share this with you because it shows the heart of a kind woman.

I had told Tracy to please let me know if she wanted me to leave so she could have some “down time”. She assured me she would and I trusted she would because her personality is one that tells you what she is thinking no matter what!

Well, Tracy left the hospital room with her cell phone and apparently went to call the lawyer to ask the lawyer to call me on my cell phone and tell me that Tracy really wanted me to go home. Tracy didn’t have the heart to tell me to my face because we had planned and planned for me to be with them in the hospital. I know she felt like she was taking something precious away from me.

Of course, on the phone with the lawyer, I started crying fearing the worst: That she had changed her mind about placing Little Bug with us. That is always on the back of the mind of someone going through an adoption. The lawyer assured me Tracy was just exhausted and needed some alone time.

So, I picked up my overnight bag and walked over to the precious baby girl laying in the hospital bassinet at the foot of the hospital bed. My mind was still swarmed with thoughts that Tracy was backing out and the adoption was going to fall through. (Irrational thoughts once again getting the best of me because of the precarious situation I was in and the fact that I was majorly sleep deprived.)

Country music played on the TV quietly in the background. I leaned over Little Bug and quietly whispered in her ear before leaving, “Bye. Bye. Mommy loves you.” Saying those words were SO hard. I felt like her Mommy already. I had witnessed her birth. I had spent the day loving her and caring for her. I loved her. But I didn’t know if I really would be her Mommy and it was terrifying leaving that hospital room.

I had this fear that if Tracy spent too much time with Little Bug alone, she would back out of the adoption plan. I thought maybe my presence would be a constant reminder of her adoption plan for this child. Now, looking back, I know that Tracy needed that time too. She needed to say good-bye and she needed her privacy to be able to fully rest. After all, she had just given birth!!

I walked out of the hospital room and just wandered the hospital like a lost puppy dog, not really knowing where I was going. I knew I needed to call someone to come pick me up. I wanted my bed! I decided to call my parents because Dave had been up all night with me the night before and he was already at home asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up to come get me.

The next morning I had a text from Tracy apologizing about last night. She just told me that she needed some time. By then, I was able to understand that this was really the best option after all for both of us.

Tonight as I gave Little Bug her bottle, rocked her and put her to bed, I said again, “Mommy loves you.” and this time there is no doubt who Little Bug’s Mommy is.

ME!

I wish there were words that could adequately describe to you the feelings in my heart as I go to bed tonight, but I will leave you with this:

God is good. In ALL THINGS He is good.

- Elaine