After much more thought over the weekend and a good long talk with my wonderful husband, I have realized that I am just wanting things to be “easier” when it come to family planning.

While I do not have a longing to be pregnant like I did just two years ago, I am envious of couples who are able to choose when and how to grow their families.

As Dave and I were discussing our options this weekend I looked up at Dave and said, “All this sadness I’ve been feeling comes from the fact that we can’t decide to have another baby, jump in the bed and two weeks later stare down at a positive pregnancy test and then joyfully tell our family and friends that we are going to have another baby.”

Instead, we are going to have to put our names in with the agency, wait for a phone call that could come in a month or a year or longer, prepare for the birth of a baby without a guarantee that we will bring this baby home, welcome a baby into the world, hold and love that baby for several days before TPR is signed and baby officially becomes ours.

Adoption is a beautiful thing but it is filled with emotional ups and downs that just do not come into play when you are pregnant with your biological child.

So, there is all that and then there is the big picture.

Infertility is the cross that God has asked me to bear as I live my life on earth.

Every single Christian has a cross in their life. Something that God has allowed to be there so that He can use it for His good and for His glory.

Those fertile couples I spoke about earlier? They all have some other cross God has asked them to carry for His Glory.

The question here is not, Why can’t Dave and I be fertile and have kids the ‘easy’ way?

The question here is Am I going to surrender my desires and allow God to do the work He desires to do through this cross (infertility) He has given me to carry as I live my life here on Earth?

When I think in those terms, I get totally excited about pursuing another adoption in the near future.

Why?

Because I know God has a plan, just as miraculous as the one that brought us Little Bug.

I know God is going to walk with me every step of the way. He has not asked me to carry this cross alone. He is here. He is walking with me. He is carrying the load when it gets too heavy for me to bear on my own.

I have to force those thoughts about wishing things were “easier” away because ultimately my desire is for my life to bring Glory to God’s name.

My infertility is the avenue God is using in my life to bring Glory to His name.

Every single one of us, fertile or infertile, has something in their lives that God is asking them to bear for the glory of His name.

The question we all need to be asking ourselves is Am I going to allow God to use this in my life for His Glory or am I going to run away from it or seek my own desires concerning it?

Ultimately, I want God to receive glory again through my infertility and I know I can do another adoption through Christ who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:13) It’s just a matter of uniting my head and heart and then God can begin His work.

Whatever happens as we pursue another adoption, God already knows and it’s a part of His plan.

He is in control. I really do just have to sit back and watch my life unfold. I don’t have to do anything.

Except be obedient to His calling.

I know God wants us to pursue another domestic infant adoption this summer.

For a week now, my spirits have been so downcast because I want an “easy” path this time.

Looking at the big picture now, I want God to do something more with my life once again that clearly demonstrates to the world that God is God and His plan is perfect and better and bigger than anything we dream up ourselves.

It’s time to once again surrender my desires for “easy” and get on board with God because, whatever His next plan is for #2, it’s going to be marvelous.

Marvelous in a way only God can do marvelous.

- Elaine