I am just about finished reading the book Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. I started reading this book last night around 10pm (mistake) and could not put it down until the wee hours of this morning.

It is almost midnight now and I am almost finished reading it but I feel compelled to come here and write some thoughts down.

First of all, I am in no way shape or form going to even begin to say that going through infertility and going through losing one of your children through death are comparable.

Given a choice, I would gladly go through the pain of infertility a million times before signing up to lose my child through death.

I cannot imagine a pain greater or deeper than the pain Mary Beth experienced on May 21, 2008, when her 5 year old daughter, Maria, was killed in a tragic accident on the driveway of their home.

In a strange way I found myself connected to Mary Beth in the sense that I, too, have chosen to SEE. I love the beauty found in those three words.

The death of her daughter completely reformed life as Mary Beth knew it prior to May 21, 2008. I tried to briefly imagine what that pain would feel like and I just could not even let my thoughts go there.

There is nothing pretty about a mother’s 5 year old daughter dying. And there is nothing pretty about infertility.

Mary Beth talks about how she had to learn to “do hard”. Life after May 21st was hard. And hard is a word that I don’t think does what she went through justice.

I related to that because in my own life, learning to do life after March 8th was hard.

I knew on that day life was never going to be the same. Until that day, there was hope that one day my infertility would be in the past. On that day in March I knew this was something I was going to have to carry with me all the days of my life.

Mary Beth talks about how her plans never seemed to play out in her life. (Except, of course, her plan to fly to China within 24 hours of making that decision, with her friend who had been in the middle of a painting project, to go and get the Chinese baby girls they were going to be adopting. Within seven days Mary Beth and her friend had actually pulled this off and were flying back, with their babies, in astonishment over the miracles that God had performed to make something like that actually happen!) I soon learned my plans for building my family just were not going to work out the way I had been planning.

After the tragic events that took the life of her youngest daughter, Mary Beth had a decision to make.

She chose to SEE God in her deepest pain and deepest sorrow.

I clearly remember coming to that same conclusion in the midst of my own storm. I knew I could choose to become bitter and resentful because God had taken from me something very dear to my heart OR I could chose to SEE that in spite of it all, God loves me, and has a greater plan in mind that goes beyond just what I can see this side of heaven.

God has used the tragic events of Maria’s death for His Glory and God has used my infertility for His Glory because we chose to SEE Him through it all.

Again, I feel somewhat silly even slightly comparing my “tragedy” to Mary Beth’s, but I do believe there are truths written in this book that, even if we have not (thank the good Lord) experienced the loss of a child, we can take and apply to whatever storm God has allowed into our lives.

Because there are storms of all types in life.

The truth here is when we find ourselves in a storm (whatever that may be…infertility, divorce, unfaithful spouse, loss of job, sickness, depression, cancer, death of spouse…you fill in the blank with your storm), there is a choice to be made.

Are we going to wallow in despair or choose to SEE?

- Elaine