**I wrote this on June 20th**

Do you ever feel like God gives you certain circumstances in life just to slow you down so that you can reflect upon His goodness?

Today is my 31st birthday and I am stuck in bed with what I believe is food poisoning from bad chicken I ate last night for dinner.

Last night around 1am Little Bug cried out and, by the sound of her cry, I could tell it was a sick cry. Since we are on vacation in the mountains, I am sleeping in the same room as her. She went back to sleep but I knew something wasn’t quite right with her.

Then early this morning, just before 7am, I started hearing her stirring. We both went back to sleep apparently because at 8:30am Little Bug woke for good.

Little Bug never and I do mean never sleeps past 7:30am (on a good day) on a trip.

My mom let me sleep in this morning for my birthday, so I honestly wasn’t surprised when my mom came to my bedroom at 10am like I had asked her to and told me Little Bug was sick and had thrown up.

It wasn’t long and I was feeling sick, too.

Laying nauseous in bed and feeling weak and for my baby girl to be puking, was NOT how I wanted to spend my birthday, but as I lay still as a church mouse to hopefully avoid getting sick myself (Do you know the feeling?? I hate that feeling!), I started reflecting on the past 31 years of my life and God’s faithfulness through every single one of them.

I had the kind of childhood that leaves you with nothing but good memories. I grew up in a family where marriage was portrayed the way God intended it to be – one man, one woman, for life – and I always felt secure from the love that my parents demonstrated to each other and to me and my younger brother, Wesley.

I have very fond memories of all four of us sitting around the dinner table at night, my parents always supporting me through every aspect of childhood and of playing dollhouse and Ninja Turtles for hours on end with Wesley.

After four years of being homeschooled, which were four of the fondest years of my childhood, I wanted to go to school for high school. My parents enrolled me in a private school for 10th through 12th grade. I was painfully shy as a high schooler. I look back on those years and I do not even recognize that shy school girl anymore. I wouldn’t call myself “shy” now. Reserved? Yes. But not shy. I credit my infertility and being so open about my struggles on this blog for bringing me out of that shell. But those years, I couldn’t have made it without my best friend, Maria. And God knew that and gave me a best friend that I could do life with and depend on socially all through high school. The best part is we are still the best of friends to this day, but I no longer depend on her socially.  

I remember feeling so old on graduation day in 1999. That fall I started college at the local University and continued to live at home. Some might say that I “missed out” on dorm life, but I loved living in my own little apartment (the upstairs of my parents’ home). I didn’t have to deal with a weird or annoying roommate, I had my own space and I could go to sleep and wake up whenever I pleased without worrying if I was bothering anyone. The only thing I had to deal with was cleaning the bathroom of whisker hair from the kid brother who also lived in my “apartment”.

Those were good years although I do remember being stressed out to the max over a nutrition summer course I took. I despised that class. Depending on the Lord to get me through courses that made me want to pull my hair out was the beginning of my learning to depend on God.

August 1, 2003, was a big day for me: I attended my last college class, it was graduation day and, it was my first official day of work at the Elementary School I was to teach at beginning in the fall. I missed my first day of “work” however, because I was graduating.

That fall I began my career as a teacher at an Elementary School teaching the 4th grade. Those four years of teaching were certainly years God used to prep me for what was to come. Every year before the new school year began, I would enter my classroom from summer break and before I put even a pencil in place for the coming school year, I would sit in the middle of the classroom and plead the blood of Jesus over that classroom and every single student that would walk through my door. I gave the school year to Him. Surrender became something that I learned was necessary to live a life of service to the Lord. Learning to surrender to God was going to be a vital part of my journey through infertility in the years to come.

Teaching was stressful and it has since become even more stressful for those who are still in the profession as more and more unrealistic expectations are being put on teachers, but overall, I truly loved that job. I loved being a positive influence to children who were not growing up in the stable environment that I myself had grown up in. As stressful as the “behavior problems” were, I truly did love those children and took a special interest in them. I learned teaching children your expectations and consistent consequences for both positive and negative behavior, along with lots of tough love, goes a long way with children.

Teaching was the beginning of me “coming out of my shell”. I stood up in front of parents (very intimidating parents!) at Open Houses with confidence and I stood before my students with authority and love. I often thought those who knew me as a child and teenager probably wouldn’t believe I was capable of this. But teaching and being successful at it was all God’s Work as He molded me and transformed me to do His Work in that classroom for those four years.

What is it called? The Senor Itch? Or maybe it is “Senioritis”? Whatever it is called it’s when you are on the brink of something new and you just can’t wait to get there.

That was me my last year teaching. I had met an awesome guy, fallen in love and in October of my last year teaching, he had given me a ring and we were to be married on May 20, 2007, one week before the last day of school.

While I did love teaching, I also knew teaching would be just a season of my life. My passion and my desire since childhood had been to get married, have children and be a stay-at-home-mother to those children.

The year I married I also turned in my letter of resignation to the principal because we planned to get pregnant right away.

As we all know, that didn’t happen and I was completely crushed. Infertility was a brick wall in a life that had always been smooth sailing.

I started nannying for adorable 8-month-old twin girls and they were truly a gift from God to me. Little did I know, they foreshadowed what was to come. Not the twins part, but the two little girls part.

I threw myself into caring for those girls and literally lived for my two days a week I was their nanny. All the while, we were going through our fertility treatments and being met with disappointment after disappointment.

In March of 2009, God brought me to a place of ultimate surrender. The surrender of my dream for God’s Plan that proved to be more incredible and perfect than any of my dreams.

Three-weeks before my 28th birthday, I became a mother through the miracle of adoption. And my 30th year was spent caring for my two-year-old and newborn baby daughter, also brought to me through the miracle of adoption.

There is no way I can sum up in just a few sentences on this blog what God has done and what He has taught me over the past five years of infertility and the adoption journeys that made me a mother to two precious little girls. I will summarize it to say that I am who I am today because of infertility. It has completely transformed me and given me a new perspective and understanding of my Heavenly Father.

And now here I am at 31 years old. I find it funny that I have gray hairs but yet a few weeks ago I was accused of not being 18 years old when I went to buy a can of spray paint!

I know as I continue to live this life God has given me, God will continue to grow and mold me. That is what life is about…becoming the person God intended me to be before the fall of man. It is a process that is continual. It will never be accomplished here on earth. Only when I enter Heaven on the day of my death or the day of Christ’s return will I be made whole and complete in the eyes of the Lord.

But today, on my 31st birthday, I am just so grateful for every single chapter of my life lived thus far. Every chapter is a piece of who I am today and who I will become in the years to come.

My life is His and I pray He will continue to use me for His Glory.

- Elaine