The Babywise Friendly Blogging Network is talking about Love Languages today for our Tips and Tricks Pinterest Thursday. A popular book out there about Love Languages is Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. I have read that book and like that book a lot, however, there is another book that I like even better!

There are several books out there about how men and women are so different from each other. The books teach us about those differences so we can better relate to each other in marriages. The Seven Desires of Every Heart by Mark and Debra Laaser illustrates how men and women are actually more alike than different because we all have seven desires that are at the core of our being.

If you are looking for ways to connect deeper with your spouse, to tune in more closely to your children, strengthen your friendships and relationship with God, then this book is a good place to start.

Mark and Debra take you on a journey to learn the seven desires of every heart: to be heard and understood, to be affirmed, to be blessed, to be safe, to be touched, to be chosen and to be included.

Think about those desires for a moment. Age, gender, race, culture or religious background have nothing to do with whether you have these desires or not. Everyone desires all of them!

On page 17 Mark and Debra say, Ultimate fulfillment in life is the result of having these desires met as well as having the opportunity to serve the desires of others.

When one or more of these desires are not met it creates wounds that affect our lives and the way we interact and relate to one another.

While the book encourages you to think about your own life as you are reading through the chapters, I couldn’t help but think about the implications the knowledge of these 7 desires would have on me as a mother!

Our spouses and children have these 7 desires and what a responsibility it is to meet these needs in both our spouse and children.

I am going to focus in on our children for a moment. Children need to be heard and understood. We have to take time to listen, to really listen to them. I find Little Bug gets extra chatty at bedtime (of course) and if I sense she is just wanting to talk to her Mama, I listen. We’ve had some good conversations this way.

Children need affirmation. They need to know that their parents approve of who they are and approve of what they do. The five love language book focuses on affirmation as one of the five love languages, but ultimately, every one has a deep seeded root somewhere within that wants to know that people approve of who they are and what they do. When we congratulate our child for accomplishing something, we are giving them affirmation.

Another book that comes to me highly recommended by my mother is The Blessing. Children need to be blessed, to feel that they are a very special person in someone’s life! They don’t have to do anything to be loved; they are just simply loved for being who they are. Your parents were your first source of blessing. Unfortunately many children don’t feel blessed by their parents which causes deep wounds.

Can you imagine the impact it would have on marriage today if couples fulfilled these seven desires in their spouse? 

Being aware of these 7 desires was very eye opening for Dave and me. One thing we have really worked on in our marriage over the last year is truly hearing and understanding each other. A tool  we use to help us hear and understand each other is a little acronym called F.A.N.O.S.

F is for Feelings. First you talk about how you are feeling at that very moment. Saying “good” or “bad” does not count as a feeling. You have use way more descriptive adjectives than that like joyful, encouraged, frustrated, annoyed.

A is for Appreciation. You tell your spouse thank you for something they did that you appreciated.

N is for Need. Here is where you tell your spouse exactly what you need. Sometimes you just feel like you are barely making it and here is your opportunity to communicate to your spouse exactly what you need so that your load becomes a little lighter.

O is for Ownership. If you’ve done anything on purpose that caused harm to your spouse or wasn’t exactly done in love, this is the time to own what you’ve done and say you are sorry. You can’t have a safe, open relationship if offences are not talked about and forgiven.

S is for Sobriety. This is basically for anything that you want to be held accountable for. It could be for a bad habit you are trying to stop or for a new good habit you are trying to form. For instance, Dave and I hold each other accountable for spending time daily in the Bible.

F.A.N.O.S has greatly improved the way we communicate. It helps us hear one another. In this day and age it is easy to go through a week without truly communicating with your spouse. F.A.N.O.S is a fabulous tool to keep us connected.

If you’ve never heard of The Seven Desires of Every Heart, it comes highly recommended by me! (The link is not an affiliate link. It is just there for your convenience.) Buy a copy for your spouse for Valentine’s Day…and then read it yourself after they are finished!

- Elaine