The immediate days after January 22 were pure survival mode for me. All I knew at this point was I wanted to keep things as normal as I possibly could for my girls even though their Daddy wasn’t coming home at night those first few days. I couldn’t think of the future. All I could do was survive the next minute. I went through the motions of being a mother to my girls, taking care of their needs, even though inside I felt dead.

I have very few memories of late January and February. I do remember I did what I had to do to take care of the girls and when I would put them to bed at night I would walk from their bedrooms and straight to my bed where I would lay for hours. It was all I could do. I had expended all my energy taking care of the girls. I didn’t leave my house for 9 days straight. Didn’t get dressed. Didn’t shower every night like normal. At night, after the girls were in bed, I would lay on my bed and listen to the song “Oceans” over and over again.

I love to write. Since age 15 I have kept a journal. My journal has turned into 40+ notebooks full of my writing. It’s how I process life and work things out. It’s how I center my thoughts upon God during hard times. I had my journal out on the bed with me but, for the first time since age 15, there were no words. At a time when I didn’t even have the words to be able to write down my thoughts and feelings about what I was going through, that song spoke volumes to me on those long, dark nights. I listened to the song over and over into the wee hours of the morning when my body would finally give in to sleep for a few hours.

Dave wasn’t living at the house, but in my effort to keep things as normal as possible for the girls, I started letting Dave come home “after work” and be there through dinner and bedtime routines with the girls. He would leave immediately after the girls were in bed. I couldn’t look at him in the eyes or even speak to him. He was there for the girls. They were so young they never knew the chaos surrounding our family in those days. I am forever grateful that God gave me enough clarity of mind to think about my girls and what was best for them through this time of separation for Dave and me.

About 9 days after all of this happened, I got dressed and left my house for the first time since my world fell apart. I was going to a counseling session with my pastor’s wife (who is a counselor by profession) and on the way I was going to stop at a store. It was one of those surreal moments when you realize your world has come to a crashing halt; yet the world was moving all around me. The world seemed normal! The sky was still blue, the sun was shining, people were in cars moving along the road going to where they needed to go. People were in the store shopping. Everything was normal.

I felt like a fraud. I appeared normal, too. I was dressed and put together. I could smile a fake smile and it looked genuine to a stranger. And when the clerk said, “And how are you today?” and I replied with the expected answer of “Fine!” I knew I would forever view the world with different eyes than I had prior to January 22nd.

I was anything but fine. I began to wonder who else in this world is walking around with a tremendous burden on their shoulders yet appears like everything is “fine” on the surface?

That outing truly changed my perspective of people forever. I don’t remember much about my counseling session that day except that I was a puddle of tears.

Several months ago when I was thinking about what I wanted to share as I told this story, I really didn’t want to go into much detail about these dark days. I still don’t think I adequately described what those first days and weeks were like. I don’t know that I would ever be able to do that. Going back to this time was very necessary in telling this story. Only after knowing the bleakness of this situation can you see the beauty that came and fully appreciate it. This story is no where near over!

In my last post several of you said that I am brave for sharing this. I suppose it did take some courage to be able to put all this out there, but the ultimate reason I have opened up about this is for God’s glory!

When God created the world, He created a perfect world. When sin entered the world in the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve overstepped their boundary forever alternating the relationship of God with man, God has been working a plan of Redemption from that time to present day.

The first time we see God’s redemption is right after the fall of man when God kills an innocent animal to use as covering for Adam and Eve. Before the fall, they were unaware of themselves. After the fall, they hide in shame and fear. In God’s mercy for his creation we see the first picture of the shedding of the blood of the innocent (the animal) on behalf of the guilty (Adam and Eve). (Genesis 3) We can see this picture all throughout Scripture, right up to Jesus who paid the ultimate price, once and for all, for mankind’s sin. Jesus was innocent and shed his blood on behalf of the guilty (you, me, everyone). (John 19-20)

Scripture tells us we are going to have troubles in this world, but that we should take heart because God has already overcome the world. (John 16:33) If we have a Biblical Worldview of life, we know that our trials of today are temporary and our trials ultimately bring glory to God.

The greatest truth about God that I believe I have learned through infertility and now infidelity in my marriage, is that trials in my life are not about me! If I step aside and surrender it all to God, He is able to do miraculous works that bring glory to His Name! He can truly take the bleakest situation I can imagine and redeem it in ways that are only possible through the work of God in my life.

More than anything in this life I want the world to see God through my life for His glory. That is why I share about the darkest time of my life. It gives purpose and meaning to the most devastating season of my life. Even in those dark days, God was at work.

To read the next part of this story, click here.

- Elaine