I have been telling the story of how God redeemed my marriage. My husband has been telling the story from his perspective and this is his latest post. To read this story from the beginning start here and follow the links.

Laundry List

What had Elaine discovered? Let’s take a moment to list it out…

1. I had a (nearly daily) problem with pornography.
2. I had at least two emotional affairs ongoing at work, and was basically living a second life there.
3. My dealings with women in general were not appropriate in nature.

Elaine had learned about the pornography over a week prior. The rest she discovered from going through my work email, out of suspicion. All because I had decided not to answer a phone call (a benign decision I now thank God for). Over the next days and weeks, she also became aware of the following, through my confession…

1. My impulsive and wasteful spending habits
2. A partying/drinking habit that was symbolic of my overall rebellious attitude
3. An account I had set up on a website meant for cheating on one's spouse
4. Experimentation with marijuana
5. Vulgar language and coarse joking, being a totally different person depending on what crowd I was in
6. A lot of individual incidents related to the above, including a few times I came close to cheating physically
7. Various other lies and secrets, arising from the fact that I had trained myself to be an expert at deceit.

I had what to me felt quite suddenly like a barrel-full of awful secrets. And I didn’t just decide one day that I’d start doing (or hiding) all these things. It was a gradual process. You see, when the Bible talks about the end game of sin being death, it’s not talking about an overnight crisis. I left a corner of my spiritual house unattended, and over the span of several years, the mess took over the place. Now that the shutters had been thrown open and the lights turned on, I was realizing just how dirty my life was. Before I could even think about cleaning it up, though, I had a few consequences to face.

Exile

The first consequence I experienced was ejection from my home. Did I have to leave? No, it was my house. That wasn’t my attitude, though. I was in nearly as much shock as Elaine was over what I had done, because I was finally having to face it all. So I packed (not nearly as many things as I needed). And I left. I ended up being out of the house for more than three weeks. Amazingly, I had friends and family willing to let me hang around for that long, including Elaine’s parents (like I said, amazing).

Exposure

It’s not every day that one’s demons are all aired out for the world to see. Well, that’s basically what happened to me in a short period of time. Before I had even come to grips with reality of my problems, I had to call into work and explain why I was unable to come in that day and how there was a great possibility I may have to look for employment elsewhere. I’m so thankful for a boss at the time who was incredibly understanding and who I can still count on today to hold me accountable.

I had to back out of a few leadership positions with my church and other organizations, because I didn’t feel fit to be in them anymore. I also knew my priority needed to be on restoring my relationship with God and with the people I had hurt. So I didn’t have time for anything else, really. It hurt to have to back out of those things without any real explanation behind it. I confessed my situation to my men’s group, to my pastor, to my family and some other close friends. I began attending a support group, which involved more confession and more exposure.

Think about the worst thing you’ve ever done. How would you like everyone to know about this thing? Now imagine you’ve been actively hiding it for around 15 years and it’s being ripped out of you. That was my life. And yet, after all the hurt caused by exposure, it was also incredibly cleansing. I am now a true believer in the power of confession. And while I don’t really buy into the sterile, behind-the-veil style that you might imagine, there is something to be said for verbalizing our sins and letting them go. We’d all avoid a lot of trouble just by admitting our mistakes and moving on from them.

- Elaine